Needs work, sure, but I really enjoyed it.

--
painting sunlight on the side of houses since 1988

I REALLY thoroughly enjoyed this piece. The honesty does not come across as sentimental or a soul-dump, and I think that's brilliant. There is fabulous imagery, as well. You're right though...it does need work. I have some ideas.

The shorter stanzas lean heavily on cliches and take away from the acute, narrative style of the poem. As much as I hate to advise a writer to make drastic cuts, i think this poem would be stronger without:

This room is gold
like the city itself
But I am Blue,
your sweet an lovely girl
(it’s true).

though, This room is gold/like the city itself is stronger than the rest of that stanza, and a case could be made for keeping it.

similarly, the following weakens the strong punch of the poem:

I tried to find the symbolism
but decided to dance instead.

I want to escape.
This word is so grey
But you, Jerusalem, radiate
peace.

the I tried to find... bit takes away from the part you wrote about the bird in the wailing wall. It is heavily implied just by discussing the image that you AND the reader should try to find symbolism. I think the bird image is amazing, and to have this detract from it is disappointing. The I want to escape stanza is weak simply because it tells, rather than showing, which is what the rest of your poem does so well.

Your last stanza has some great images that you play with. I dislike that it opens with a point-blank statement, and I think it would be great if you instead skipped stating the fact that boundaries exist and said "I don't go hunting for boundaries" Also, let us live here forever borders on cliche, so I think you could tweak it by saying "let us live here unspoiled." The term "soul sex," is odd, and perhaps needs a hyphen, though honestly i personally don't like it. I think the poem's honest, realist nature calls for something more open like "imaginary sex" or "mental sex", rather than an abstraction.

This part I love dearly:

syllables spilling softly
Drunk
With the drip. Drip. Drip.
of this golden bathtub
in this golden city.

you might want to lowercase "drunk" and "with," and perhaps enjambing it differently so that drunk isn't on its own line, though that's very much personal taste (the opening line states that you are drunk so i don't see how drunk needs a line all its own at the end).

I'm in love with this poem, though, and I hope you will take this critique in love for you!

--
< GunShyMartyr > PinkyMcCoversong: o hi asl plz
< PinkyMcCoversong > GunShyMartyr: ask again in a cockney accent
< GunShyMartyr > ELLO daaaahling, what's yah name then. giveus a kiss would ya love? yer eighteen roite?

whoa, I cannot thank you enough for your thorough and important feedback! Although I do not completely agree with all of it, I will definetly take it into account because your ideas matter greatly to me. Im going to revise it, and then maybe ask you to read it again, if you don't mind.
Once again, thank you so much

--
"The charging restless mute unvoiced road keening in a seizure of tarpaulin power."
-jack kerouac

that sounds great, i'm glad you will be revising! it's always nice to know a critique is appreciated

--
< GunShyMartyr > PinkyMcCoversong: o hi asl plz
< PinkyMcCoversong > GunShyMartyr: ask again in a cockney accent
< GunShyMartyr > ELLO daaaahling, what's yah name then. giveus a kiss would ya love? yer eighteen roite?

An awesome revision. I can't really make a critique, because it seems pretty much perfected.

--
painting sunlight on the side of houses since 1988

thankyou darling

--
"The charging restless mute unvoiced road keening in a seizure of tarpaulin power."
-jack kerouac

You're welcome of course.

--
painting sunlight on the side of houses since 1988

"mental sex
syllables spilling softly
drunk with the drip"

wow ... so full of passion and despair ... beautifully written.

--
Let the beauty of what you love be what you do. There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the earth. (Rumi)

I really like this poem. Something about that last stanza, however, makes its seem like its a tad rushed. From the first critique, however, it's definitely a much tighter poem with an amazing emotional and philosophical punch.

wow. i really fell in love with this poem.
powerfull imagry! especially w/ the bird and golden city.
and i loved the line into scraps. scripts. dusty dreams it just sounds cool.

--
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." -Jackie Mason